Left4Good
by zombie4play
Summary: Ok so. this is my first fanfiction and it is a NickxEllis one. No yaoi is in this. I know sad. But basicly Nick is confused about the life he has and does the only thing that he does when he is confused; he runs.


**Yeah! My first fan fiction, and I'm proud to say it is a NickxEllis one. So since this is my first fic please write comments and only constructive criticism. And I also know that in the flash back near the end the kids have the traits of Nick and Ellis, ok thought it would be cute. Please no mean comments.**

**Disclaimer: Also I do not own any of these characters, except for the kids, but the rest belong to Valve Co. And the song belongs to the Zac brown band, colder weather. I strongly encourage you all to listen to it as you read. It complete the experience. Oh and also it is meant to be OOC.**

Left4good

_I want to see you again, but I'm stuck in colder weather_

_Maybe tomorrow will be better, can I call you then_

He was doing the right thing, right? By leaving? Nick didn't know anymore. He wanted to stay so bad. So badly in fact that now his health was at risk. Nick had stopped eating properly, unable to deal with his own troubled thoughts. The lack of sleep was getting to him as well. He had dark bags under his eyes, and he was unable to see clearly. He wasn't even able to concentrate on the smallest of things. And now, more often than not, Nick was finding himself rambling on about nothing. And worst off, to no one.

Ellis got so worried one time he actually sent Nick to see a therapist. IMAGINE THAT! Nick sitting on a 4,500 dollar couch for an hour in some fancied up piece of shit room telling an over paid piece of shit his FEELINGS!...that ass fucker...

Even now, as Nick leaned on his arm and looked out the window at the rain, that day, even the slightest memory of how he bitch slapped that cocky, overpaid, know-it-all son-of-a-bitch, almost made him chuckle. Almost.

He looked a mess, and he knew that. The rain was really coming down now. Nick glanced over at the night stand clock. 3:15 am. Ever since the damn zombie apocalypse, a few adrenaline rushed nights and a lot of mixed feelings, the ex-conman grew to love, and truly love, the hick sleeping so sound in their bed. Why the fuck else would he be living in the back water, one horse wreckage that was know as Savannah with the hick if he didn't love the fucking kid? After the military bombed the place and deemed it safe, They had settled down there. Much to Nick's dislike, but since his home had got destroyed Nick didn't have much choice.

Nick knew Ellis truly loved him. The ex-conman smirked at the memories of how the mechanic had proven that to him, on more than one occasion. But Savannah didn't offer a lot of entertainment for a conman. Sure, there were plenty of dumb people, and he meant really dumb people, just waiting to get blind sided and robbed mercilessly, but at what? There were no casinos, not a lot of poker nights that he was into. The people at those games never gambled with a lot, so Nick found it meaningless to him. There was just nothing of interest for the card shark to do. Only one thing keep him here, Ellis. And Ellis changed him profoundly through the years.

Nick, he had to admit, he had changed. And he believed it was for the better. At first when he moved into the kid's old house, he stayed out for long periods of the night, gambling and stealing like he always did, always had done. Nick believed that nothing would change that, not even Ellis. But that all changed the first week when he came home and saw what he had been truly doing to the poor kid. The mechanic apparently didn't like the thought of Nick ripping people off. He found the kid huddled up in the corner of their room crying. Nick, only by chance had come home earlier than usual, due to an unlucky strike, that night to find him there. Ellis was worried sick for him and Nick didn't even see any of the signs. The not eating, the not sleeping, and the not talking and no eye contact. He should have known with the limited talking, but he didn't. He only just realized it as he watched in stunned silence as his love rocked himself back and forth, head cradled in trembling hands, in a rythmatic motion in the darkness. He felt so ashamed that he made it a point to fall asleep into each others arms from that night on. No more gambling, Nick had smirked at the thought, except on rare occasions.

Nick found himself staring at Ellis. He had studied that face for years now. And every time he sees it still, it always looked different to him. Nothing may have changed about the actual physical shape of it, but every emotion that kid had, changed it completely. From the way his noise scrunched up when he was mad to the way his nostrils flared when he was pouting. He loved everything about the southerner. In his eyes, Ellis was perfect.

So then, why did he want to leave? No fun around here without people to scam? No, that's not it. Ellis had long since showed him the joys of sitting down with his family at Sunday dinners with his mother .

OH, what a joy that actually was. Nick gave a smirk at that horrid memory of the first time they had went to the old brads house. Ellis and him had just, and he literally means just, got back into the swing of things. Nick settled into the hick's house only the day before, THE DAY BEFORE, when Ellis came running into the bathroom, obviously not concerned that Nick had just gotten out of the shower at the time, to announce that he would be meeting his mother.

That trip was wonderful. His mother at first sight of him tried to shoot him with her shot gun, well convinced that he had turned her perfect little angel to the unholy side. Nick had rolled his eyes at that one. Apparently Ellis neglected to mention that it was a guy he was brining home to mom, and not a girl. But they had eventually got to calming her down and after they took her gun away, she was calmed down enough to talk, and even Nick had to like her. She even shown Nick Ellis' baby pictures, one of which Nick kept in his wallet as a keep sake, much to Ellis' dismay. Hell, he would do the same thing to the boy or girl that his kids dated.

Nick stopped smirking at the sleeping hick. Kids? Why had that thought come into his head? Kids? Nick was Nick. He didn't have or even want kids months ago. But the kid grew up with lots of family members and Nick grew to love all of them. Especially the younger ones. Nick and Ellis had to travel a lot for the holidays and Nick loved the thought of him waking up to kids shouting that Santa had came, or that the tooth fairy had given them twenty bucks. Nick was still paying for that mistake, but none the less, Nick's heart leaped at the thought of a kid in each lap and him telling them a bed time story as he smiled and kissed them-.

No! Nick could never have kids. He couldn't. He couldn't fit the life style the way Ellis wanted him to.

Nick gasped as he realized that he wanted a family. A big family, with Ellis, his Ellis. But Nick knew, he knew that he could never be a good father to them. The way that his father treated him when he was little, Nick didn't know how to act around kids that he was 100% responsible for. True, Ellis would always be there to help, but still. And the fact that they might not love him crushed Nick to no end. What if they wanted to find their real birth parents and think that what he had with Ellis was wrong? He couldn't handle that rejection. He wouldn't, no, he couldn't.

And now that things were getting back into its routine like it was before the apocalypse started, he knew people would be after him. Knew they wanted their money. A lot of money. Something that the ex-conman didn't have anymore. They already busted down the door to their little house when Ellis was at the shop and beat him. They would be back, and he knew it. Nick cringed at how they threatened to hurt all his loved ones if he didn't pay up soon. To this day the ex-conman still does not know how they found him. He was kind of hoping that they all caught the green flu and perished. But it was not so and Nick had one hell of a time cleaning that mess up and telling Ellis that it was a burglar, even though nothing was stolen, only broken.

Nick always had a hard time lying to the kid. He didn't want Ellis to get hurt because of him and his past, didn't want Ellis to regret falling for a conman. That's why. That's why he had to leave. He had to leave, now. Right now.

_Cause I'm a rambling man, and I ain't ever gonna change_

_I've got a gypsy soul to blame, and I was born for leaving, born for leaving_

Nick swiftly moved to kneel under the bed and pulled out his suit case he had packed days before, when this horrible thinking started. He felt around the bed and when his hands came to the object he was searching for he stuffed it in the suit case and closed it. To be honest, he didn't know why he had to leave right now. He just knew it had to be done. The sooner the better. He lay the suit case on top of the bed and spared on long last look at his sleeping angel.

_I want to see you again, but I'm stuck in colder weather, _

_Maybe tomorrow will be better, can I call you then_

Nick loved Ellis, God he loved Ellis. He had shown the man so much, so much about love, life and happiness. Nick was grateful for everything he kid had done for him. He had opened the ex-conman's eyes to the wonders of the world. Nick looked over his features as he slept on. The scars that peppered his face were beautiful. Thanks to the zombie apocalypse, he had quite a few of them. The kid looked so peaceful in his sleep. He was at bliss, completely unaware of how devastatingly heart broken he will be when the sun breaks the darkness of this night, so sorrowful and lonely, so god awful lonely, to wake him. Not knowing what drove Nick way. Never knowing if it was his fault. But will most likely take the blame anyway.

Nick risked a touched to the cheek. Ellis was so beautiful when he slept. Nick noticed it first when the survivors found themselves in the safe house to gather gas for that Virgil fellow, it had been raining that night too, forcing them to sleep in the very cold and wet safe house that night. The mechanic was sleeping propped up against the wall, head lopsided and drooling. To Nick's eyes, he was an angel, a sleeping god. He also remember that at that moment, it was the first time that he finally accepted the fact that he was in love with the kid.

Ellis moved under his touch and Nick pulled his hand away quickly. Ellis muttered Nick's name in his sleep before rolling over to face the other way. A smile was plastered on the kid's face and Nick smiled a true genuine smile that only Ellis got out of him. He sure was going to miss the kid. Nick stopped smiling at the thought. He couldn't leave, but he had to, he was doing what he always did when he was afraid, Run.

_You're a lover, I'm a runner_

_We go round n' round _

But Nick didn't want to just leave Ellis alone, always guessing. So Nick tore his eyes away from the sleeping angel and rummaged through the night stand to find a pen and a piece of paper. Nick wrote his fears and love out as his own heart cried as heavily as the rain outside. Even if his outer exterior was calm and only shaking slightly. When he was done with the note, he found an envelope, and sealed it. He placed the letter in his pocket, content on finding a perfect place to put it when he was fully ready to cut his losses and run, once again, away from everything. His love, his life and his happiness.

Nick thought of all the heartless sex he had when he played the tables. It's a wonder he didn't get a disease from all of them. Though the sex was good it was no were near as great as his love making with Ellis. After all, Ellis never left him in their bed alone come morning. He never stealing money from his wallet as he slumbered. And he most certainly never lied to Nick about his feelings for him to get his winnings. No, the cold heartless sex was never love making. Not even with his ex-wife. The ex-husband never once felt that way with his wife. Especially when Ellis made him moan in pleasure and made him feel truly loved. His ex-wife never made him feel like that. Always taking, demanding more. Nick would defiantly miss the way the kid moaned under him and feel the pride that he as able to cause his lover to purr his name. The countless times he moved from city to city, breaking hearts here and there without a second thought, 'knowing no one could ever love him.' He always did smile when girls and guys alike said that line to him. But in the end he knew he was always alone, until he met him.

Nick crossed the room to once again face Ellis, Nick knelt down and kissed him gently on the lips as if to say good bye, as if it was a final Farwell, and left the room, suit case in hand.

_And I love you but I leave you_

_I don't want you but I need you_

Ellis woke up with a sense of loss. The room felt heavy, as if the atmosphere itself was weeping for his loss. But what did he lose? The mechanic frowned when he felt the absence of the warm essence he had come to love. He began to pout as he realized that Nick wasn't even in the room. Ellis, thinking that Nick just couldn't get to sleep for yet the four night in a row, went to the window to see if the ex-conman was smoking on their porch. Like he always did when he couldn't sleep.

Ellis wasn't going to lie to himself, he was worried about the ex-gambler, real worried. So worried that he forced Nick to go see a doctor that's suppose to help with crazy people and shit like that, but Nick only ended up causing a lot of trouble for him. But he didn't mind it non because he loved the former card shark so god damn much, and he knew he always will. Plus it was enjoyable watching the ex-gambler bitch slap that dick when he questioned Nick about his choice in men. Ellis recalled being so hurt that he started to cry heavily and he fled from the room, after that Nick just wouldn't take the cock sucker's shit anymore. He smiled at the memory of how Nick reacted to the man insulting him. Nick had been screaming at the top of his lungs.

His smiled dropped as he recalled how he was just innocently looking at the salt water fish, particularly fond of the clown fish, swimming in the largest tank he had ever seen humming to himself joyously. Apparently his somewhat kidish charm led the overly observant medical specialist to believe that he was more or less mental. Nick had broken every expensive looking the in the office. Not even sparing the tank and all its tinny inhabitance. Ellis felt even a little proud to have the guy on his side instead of the other way around. That bitch had no idea what he was in for. He remembered waiting on the couch in the waiting room for the screaming to die down, thoroughly surprised that no secretary was on duty at the time. He was so glad when he saw Nick emerge from behind the door that his heart leaped when he realized Nick was talking to him. He had a sheepish and apologetic smile as he held a blue and grey vase in his hands, and as he tilted it, it revealed the clown fish that Ellis was looking at earlier, swimming happily and unharmed. Apparently that was the man's was of apologizing. And Ellis excepted, even though he had to apologize in the place of the older man. So in the end Nick still didn't get the help he needed.

So that was probably why Ellis was a tad on end because when he saw Nick in the rain, he should have just shrugged it off and gone back to bed, thinking he was just enjoying the weather. Or saw something of interest to him. But Ellis was paranoid, he ran out of the room, down the stairs and passed the newly decorated living room. Nick had said that the house's look had got to go. Apparently he didn't like the posters of Jimmy Gibbs Jr. stock racing car and the Mid Night Riders concert at the Whispering Oaks amusement park. Even thought Ellis pleaded with him that it was a souvenir of their great time together Nick said the house reminded him of an obsessed teenager's room than a 23 year old man's house. So now it was decorated with the finest art money can buy and expensive imported candles from France littered the surface of every shelf and desk available. The rugs that were imported from Spain scattered across the floor, though not his style, or the style of the south, Ellis loved it.

The mechanic ran out of the house into the rain not even caring that he was dressed in his blue footy pajamas, and that the rain was ruining then.

"NICK!"

Nick, half way to the car turned around to see Ellis staring him down, breathing heavily and looking flushed. "Ellis..." Nick looked shamed. Completely and utterly shamed, there was no poker face, no mask, just Nick.

And in that moment Ellis connected the dots, he saw the whole picture. It pained him to think it took him so long to realize it. The suit case in Nick's hand as he tried so very hard to hide and how the car had its engine running, Nick's shameful look, Ellis would have been a fool if he haven't realized it. Nick was leaving, and from the size of the suit case, it was permanently.

Ellis looked down, as did Nick, both standing as though they had already had the argument about him leaving. Already exhausted by their fight and already feeling helplessly weighed down by emptiness, as if they both had come to the realization that Nick was Nick and he was a rambling man. He was born to leave. And nothing, not even love can make him stop doing what he was born to do. Couldn't make him stay. He was a loner. A lone wolf that would never be held down by anything and to no one, but then... Why did he seem so sad? So scared and miserable? So... Vulnerable?

"Where will you go?" Ellis finally said, the understanding silence mixed with the stench of defeat was killing him, why would Nick leave? Why? Didn't he still love him? Was love, after all, unable to conquer all? Love had failed him. The recognition that Nick may not love him anymore were the cause of Ellis' tears. The mechanic would have rather been gutted by a hunter than have to feel the pain that rippled through his very soul.

"I don't know..." Nick finally admitted. His voice filled with hurt. He glanced up and quickly averted his eyes. The kid was shacking intensely and looked to be having a hard time breathing through his sobs and tears. He couldn't stand to see Ellis crying because of him. "please don't cry overalls."

"Why?" Ellis began to whip away the tears with his sleeve. His sobs growing louder and louder as the man he loved was walking out of his life for good. Ellis fell to the ground on his knees as the rain mixed in with his shed tears. "Why ,why, why, why?" The pain was almost unbearable now. The tension in the air weight down on them both as Ellis' repeated question hung in the air. It felt like someone had ripped him open and tore out his heart. He was disoriented and Ellis found himself unable to breath easily. The southerner could say that he had never experienced that kind of pain in his life before, and that was really saying something. Even pre-apocalypse.

"God damn it overalls, stop crying. Grown men don't cry." Though Nick was able to keep his voice from cracking, he completely disagreed with the statement at the time. He was glad for the colder weather, because the rain masked what he truly felt, for the rain helped camouflaged and mixed in with the warm water flowing from his own eyes, he was crying too.

Nick couldn't take this sight anymore. One more minute in the kid's presence and he would break. He would run over and wrap the kid in a warm embrace, whispering sweet nothings into his ear, saying he never would leave him not now, not ever. Nick's heart screamed for him to do just that, but his brain fought with logic and not emotions, it was heartless.

It took all he had to not break down and kiss his blue eyed lover. But instead of breaking down Nick turned on his heel and put the suit case in the topless convertible. Why he chose that car and why he decided to take his anger out on the wirings to the roof he will never know. He could have easily taken the mustang or the corvette but he decided against it. Knowing that even if he sold everything he owned he still wouldn't have enough to pay off the bookies. Besides, this car was his baby, and he cherished her for one reason, Ellis. Nick thought about that happy birthday were the kid had taken him out to the movies, to a candle lit dinner and finally home where this surprise was waiting. Nick slid his hand across the silver paint job. If he had to leave his heart here in Savannah, then he needed an anchor. Something to bring him back again, something to keep him going, something of Ellis'. Nick knew that the car wasn't as priceless as the fabric he had stuffed into his suit case at the last possible minute. Something that he would cherish forever. Something that no matter what, will remind him of home and the person waiting for him there. Ellis' hat.

Ellis just sat there, in denial, not knowing what else to do. He was becoming desperate. Maybe if he told Nick one last time how he felt, maybe, just maybe he would change his mind. That he would stay here with him, forever...Maybe. "Nick please don't go..." Ellis' voice was but a hoarse whisper. "I love you..."

_And God knew, Oh God he knew how much he love that kid too_, Nick's heart ached with a pain so unbearable that he felt it was being burned by the acid of a spitter. Oh how he wished that were the case. During the apocalypse him and Ellis were in severable, they had each others back in the field, talked to each other in each safe house, bonded. Made love to each other without a care in the world. And fucked each other when all else seemed lost. Not even the apocalypse could dent their love. In a way, the apocalypse was a blessing in disguise. He met Ellis there, in the middle of it, after all. They where each others beckon in that hopelessly dark world.

Nick looked up at the sky. He remembered how he held Ellis in his arms as they both wept for the death of their best friends. Two memorable survivors, two heroes, Rochelle and coach. It had happened so fast, they didn't even know what hit them. Nick can still hear the horrible screams coming from Rochelle as the hunter took her down in a combined effort by a smoker and itself .The smoker had successfully gotten Rochelle away from the group, then all it took was the hunter to seal her fate. And just as the hunter and the smoker tag teamed tactic sealed Ro's fate, a jockey and boomer duo domed Coach to his. It had been to much for them, Nick and Ellis were powerless to stop it.

Nick remembered all to well of those horrible nights were Ellis had cried himself into a restless sleep in the other's arms only to wake up screaming every morning. He finally got rid of the nightmares when they were rescued. And since the ex-conman never asked about his nightmares, he could only assume the worst.

Nick glanced over at Ellis one last time. The boy had resumed crying and hunched over holding and rocking himself. Oh how he wanted to run and kiss him, to make it all better, but he knew he couldn't, so instead he called his name and as Ellis looked up ,Nick tossed him the letter. Ellis let it fall in the puddle of rain in front of him. Watching as the letter soak up the rain. The mechanic didn't know how long he blankly stared at it, how long he blocked everything out and just looked. He examined the cursive letters on the envelope that were now bleeding from the rain. Ellis was beginning to wonder why he was staring at it so intently. Was it because he knew what ever was written in that small envelope wouldn't and couldn't ever begin to heal the pain where his heart once been? Or because it was the last words he would ever hear from his lover again? Because when he tried to look up to see Nick's face, all he saw were tail lights.

_And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay_

_She's answered by the tail lights shining through he window pane _

Nick did what he thought was right. Not just for him, but for his Ellis. No, not his Ellis anymore. The pain of just realizing it hurt. It stung so deep that his body went numb. He was unable to feel the stinging rain hit his exposed flesh as he pushed 80mph. He hated it, he really hated to think that the love of his life would one day move on and forget about him. Having his lover in the hands of some mother-fucking lucky son-of-a-bitch. He had to let him go though. He loved the shit out of that kid and he knew the other felt the same, and knowing that he will never hear another Keith story ever again, Or wake up in the arms of his true love. Knowing that he will never truly be happy until that day comes. The day promised to him. The day he promised Ellis. He knew he would see him again, but things will never be the same. They could never be the same.

Now pushing 85mph, Nick couldn't take it anymore. Finally, with no one around, Nick let out big sobs of anguish and despair, and let it seep out through his eyes.

_He thinks of Colorado, and the girl he left behind him_

Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or the fact that the rain was getting in his eyes but he could have sworn he saw Ellis sitting next to him, like nothing ever happened. Like they were still together and so very, very much happy. But Nick Ignored it and pushed his foot down all the way on the accelerator, crying his eyes out, calling his name, the name that he loved.

"DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!" Nick, closing his eyes and shacking his head furiously. He wept, but was quiet all the same.

_I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines_

_I'm with your ghost again_

He stopped shaking his head as he saw a picture in the darkness of his eyes. Ellis was there on their porch laughing as Nick was playing double Dutch with two kids. A boy and a girl. Nick was happy, even when he tripped on the rope and fell. Ellis ran over to him and wrapped him in a lover's embrace. Nick grabbed the hick and kissed him roughly, and only broke apart when they hear the two kids protests.

"Ewww. Daddies! Stop kissing." The boy spoke, his southern twang only rivaled by Ellis'.

"Aww. N'here I thought I was gonna have some fun too." Ellis' head bowed down in shame.

Nick only could laugh, "El, he's eight, you're going to let two eight year olds boss you around?" The girl looked at him defensively. "sorry, princess. One eight year old and a nine year old?"

"Their our kids Nick. I've got a soft spot for'em. Common, come here you two." Nick had to admit, he had a soft spot to for them. Especially the girl, who ... Shared his interest in gambling, much to Ellis' dismay.

The kids all piled on top of the two parents and they all laughed. No apparent reason why though, just happy, fulfilled...loved.

Nick was smiling through his tears, he loved the sound, but the laughter was so loud in Nick's head as he focused on the picture his mind that he didn't notice when he swerved into the other lane, taking no notice of the on coming car.

_~Ellis~_

Doing as the letter instructed Ellis made his way up the stairs to their, no-his bedroom. He went to the dresser and opened the top shelf. There it was, Nick's suit. Once pure white costing 3000 bucks before the apocalypse, now worthless in the ways of money, but priceless in the ways of memories.

Ellis had broken down hugging the suit on his bed, remembering all the times he stripped his conman out of it, thinking nothing of it then, now completely memorable. He lay there only able to cry out his name, the once proud owner of the suit. Nick loved that suit and never parted with it. Even after the apocalypse. The memories of how he always complained it was getting dirty once annoyed Ellis now brought him grief yet remorse. Ellis remembered when Nick tried to wash it on more than one occasion, convinced that he could save it. Now that very same suit was held against a very grieving man.

The letter had stung deep, but helped him to see. Nick spilled all of his fears, but also promised that they would meet again. Ellis hung onto that hope. He would and could never move on from Nick. His one true love. His other half, his life. He knew some parts of the letter stung more that others , and now that very same letter lay on the floor. The words on the page bled so bad that only to last part of the letter was still legible.

"_...So my Ellis, those are my fears, and I promise to return your hat to you, but know that I will always love you. And I promise that I will see you again when the time is right. But when I come back know that I want to have a family with you Ellis. A big one. I will always love you, and no other. Please do your best to remember that kiddo._

_Don't be sad because I left. I left because of the colder weather, the burdens I carry are to great for me to settle down with now. I have to deal with them if I ever want to come back. Don't worry, I will be back , because our love is ever lasting. But know this, I'm leaving my heart in Savannah, with you. Please don't think me a coward and please don't regret me, regret us. Because I never will._

_Colder weather, ha, that reminds me of this song I once heard. I cant remember who the artist is but the lyrics go like this..._

_Well it's a winding road, When you're in the lost and found_

_You're a lover I'm a runner, we go round n' round_

_And I love you but I leave you_

_I don't want you but I need you_

_You know its you who calls me back here, baby_

_Oh I want to see you again, but I'm stuck in colder weather_

_Maybe tomorrow will be better, can I call you then_

_Cause I'm a rambling' man, and I ain't never gonna change_

_I've got a gypsy soul to blame and I was born for leaving_

_When I close my eyes I see you, no matter where I am_

_I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines_

_I'm with your ghost again, it's a shame about the weather, but I know soon we'll be together and I cant wait till then."_

Ellis...I can't wait till then...

Until then,

Nick Xoxox


End file.
